Friday, 3 July 2009

'I Just Need a Place to Kip for a Few Nights, Stan'


All the recent talk of people going 'to hell with it' and voting for celebrity candidates in the next general election is worrying, despite Esther Rantzen's sterling attempt to put paid to the whole idea with her embarrassing performance on Question Time. Celebs simply aren't suited to office - they neither know nor care about anything other than themselves. That is, in most cases, the main reason they've become celebrities.

There is a kind of public office, though, to which the stars of stage and screen are perfectly suited: the kind no-one knew existed in the first place. Called things like High Sheriffs and Lord Lieutenants, they don't appear to do much apart from turn up on the news occasionally in furry robes to mug at local businessmen or kids in a newly-built youth centre. ('Sounds like Gordon Brown! LOL!')

Celebs make ideal candidates for this job - not much paperwork, lots of getting out and about and pressing the flesh, and those robes, darling! The High Sheriff of Surrey was the benchmark for celeb dignitary action for ages, with both Richard Stilgoe and Penelope Keith holding that unaccountably sexy-sounding office over the past few years.

But now there's a new challenger, as we hear Eddie Yates off Corrie has been made Deputy Lord Lieutenant of the Isle of Wight! This is, of course, the best celebrity political appointment made thus far, and we wish Mr G Hughes (if that really is his name) all the best carrying out his many ceremonial duties, which include:

  • Brewing bitter in Hilda Ogden's bathtub
  • Failing to flog white goods of dubious provenance at the bar of the Rovers
  • Turning up fresh from the nick desperate for somewhere to kip with iffy mate 'Monkey'
  • Covering a shortfall in hookey wallpaper with an equally dodgy alpine 'muriel'
  • Scanning the classified ads in the Weatherfield Gazette for 'investment opportunities'
  • Running a book on whether or not Annie Walker will pass her driving test
  • Rescuing a trapped budgie from Mavis Reilly's chimney
  • Burning the coq-au-vin at Ken Barlow's pensioners' supper
  • Trying to get Bet Lynch to sell him 2/3 of a pint of bitter after he's had his benefits cut
  • Selling cash and carry booze out of drinking hours from an ice cream van
  • Pretending he lives in Mike Baldwin's flat to impress birds he's pulled over the CB radio
  • Storing Stan Ogden's vintage tandem in an abandoned house which is promptly knocked down while he's having a swift half in the pub over the road
  • Winning the council's 'cleanest dustcart' contest despite a knobbling attempt from Fred Gee
  • Trouncing Alf Roberts in a slimming contest

I think he'll do juuuuuust fine.

86 comments:

Matthew Rudd said...

You forgot "accidentally inspiring enjoyable ITV sitcom spinoffs". Cuh.

Phil Norman said...

Well, yes - although, what did the mcgregors actually get up to during the great 'Slim Jim 4 Stardust Lil' knees up that led execs to commission that spinoff? I'm admittedly basing all this round memories of the early '90s repeats of Corrie on Granada Breeze, which are patchy to say the least. All that business with Hilda and the chicken run, for instance, I somehow missed. Ditto - or so it says here - Eddie saving Bet Lynch's life! That can't be right!

Ooh, "passing off a black and White telly with one of those blue and green gels over the screen as a genuine colour set", missed that one too.

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傷害 said...

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.............................................

睡衣 said...

Since it is the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.............................................

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婉婷婉婷 said...

Actions speak louder than words. ........................................

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郭貞宣 said...

厚 !!!等了好久的更新~~一定要支持的啦(ΘωΘ)........................................

奎峰 said...

幸福不是一切,人還有責任。......................................................

陽峰 said...

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cj said...

Good!............................................................

韋于倫成 said...

路過看看哦,請加油 .........................................

Avri221lE_Pryce1 said...

心中有愛,才會人見人愛。.............................................

韋于倫成 said...

人人都可以成為自己生命的建築師,只要有心,人人都是食神 哈哈 ....................................................

怡君 said...

Where theres a will theres a way.......................................................

韋于倫成 said...

失去金錢的人,失去很多;失去朋友的人,失去更多;失去信心的人,失去所有。..................................................

俊蘇宏 said...

當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。......................................................

張孟勳 said...

世間是非,要如水泥地般水過則乾。 ..................................................

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rodriguezp said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。..................................................

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...

Man proposes, God disposes................................................................

名青 said...

婚姻對男人來說是賭他的自由,對女人而言卻是賭她的幸福。..................................................................

曉薇 said...

If the quantity is not a lot, I will hand carry..................................................

洪筱婷 said...

初次造訪,安安^^

初蓉初蓉 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough. .................................................................                           

江婷 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。.................................................................                           

胤綸胤綸 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」......................................................................

江婷 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。.................................................................

吳思 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。.................................................................

清鴻 said...

向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

柏辰柏辰 said...

向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

政翰 said...

這麼好的部落格,以後看不到怎麼辦啊!!!.......................................................

吳婷婷 said...

向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

thanks. i like it!>▽<..................................................................

RalphBrau采男 said...

Unable to give you a heart. so have a reply to push up your post.
..................................................................

chen said...

留言支持好作品~加油!期待進步和更新..................................................................

吳婷婷 said...

People throw stones only at trees with fruit on them.............................................................

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

培養健全孩子最好的方法是父母先成為健全的人。............................................................

王伯亞王伯亞 said...

唯有用熱情、用智慧去觀察事物,這事物才會把他的秘密,洩漏給我們............................................................

雲亨雲亨雲亨 said...

相逢即是有緣~~留個言問候一聲,祝您平安順利............................................................

嘉雯 said...

很棒很期待新的內容..................................................................

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認識自己,是發現妳的真性格、掌握妳的命運、創照你前程的根源。............................................................

Matthew Rudd said...

What a healthy, enlightening debate this has been.

林秋萍林秋萍 said...

愛情不是慈善事業,不能隨便施捨。......................................................................

曾法幸 said...

堅持是為著某種目的或目標,而持續不斷朝向既定方向努力的一種意念。..................................................

宮惠如宮惠如 said...

超棒的,給予最大支持。(* ̄△ ̄*)............................................................

楊儀卉 said...

你不能決定生命的長度,但你可以控制它的寬度..................................................................

蔡靜芳蔡靜芳 said...

我們能互相給予的最佳禮物是「真心的關懷」。..................................................

巴俊廷巴俊廷 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。......................................................................

DaniloM_W志竹olff0615 said...

男女互悅,未必廝守終生,相愛就是美的。.................................................................

小袁璇 said...

路過看到好的blog,來留言湊個熱鬧............................................................

陳秀顏清鴻湖 said...

融會貫通的智慧,永遠不會被遺忘。..................................................

吳許芝蓮佩儒 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。............................................................

宇緯陳陳宇緯陳陳 said...

All roads lead to Rome. 堅持自己所選!............................................................

王辛江淑萍康 said...

多謝大大的分享......good............................................................

燕明中延 said...

好的開始並不代表會成功,壞的開始並不代表是失敗..................................................

敬周喜 said...

所有的資產,在不被諒解時,都成了負債............................................................

偉曹琬 said...

謝謝你的分享,真的太用心了≧﹏≦............................................................

468ds said...

看到大家都留言-我也忍不住說聲---加油..................................................

1615 said...

到處逛逛~~來繞繞留個言囉~~~~............................................................

法榮陳法榮陳法榮陳 said...

雖天地之大,萬物之多,而惟吾蜩翼之知。..................................................

孫邦柔 said...

世界上沒有本來就應該的事,因為老天爺也沒有劇本..................................................

1615 said...

愛,拆開來是心和受兩個字。用心去接受對方的一切,用心去愛對方的所有。......................................................................

張王雅竹欣虹 said...

所有的資產,在不被諒解時,都成了負債............................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

快樂,是享受工作過程的結果......................................................................

王辛江淑萍康 said...

謝謝大大的分享 我會學會反省與寬容 感恩 ∩△∩............................................................

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

請繼續發表好文!加油加油加油!............................................................

洪勳劉耀德劉耀德華 said...

每次看完你的文章,總是回味許久,要經常發表喔。..................................................

黃英吳思潔吳思潔邦 said...

好文章,希望能一直看到您的PO文......................................................

司冯欣 said...

一個人的際遇在第一次總是最深刻的,有時候甚至會讓人的心變成永遠的絕緣。......................................................................

王怡迪 said...

你不能改變容貌~~但你可以展現笑容............................................................